Tuesday, September 6, 2005

Official Results, 2005 Chunkathalon

chunkathalon 2k5 spreadsheet

The Teams:

Chunk NYC:
5. Spider-Man
15. Crochet
36. Tito McRico
23. Knife Fight
(alternate: Marko)

Krunkathaletes (Zoobomb):
16. D. Mike
100th. Zach
40. Juice
13. Cody

Chunk Team Lucky (CHUNK 666):
49. Caroteen
-. Ninja
-. Big B.
3007. Lt. Q

It Tastes Like Candy (CHUNK 666):
00. Silken
2. Thud
666. Megalator
99. Ninety-Nine

Low Dexterity (Margaret Charles):
3°. Jim
0.3. Jack
68. Donald
7. Mark

Team Cock and Balls (Dead Baby Bikes):
p. Quigley
206. Woody
33333. Soren
.15. Ian

Last Minute Wonders (unaffiliated):
88. Collin
007. Darcy
797. Victor
000. Kitty

Mantastic (unaffiliated)
4. Mavis Davis
420. Fruity Diggy Dog
17. J. Rust
33Ð. Adam

Wyld Stallyns (CHUNK 666):
42. Ranger Rick
1. Iron Lord
12. Sandstorm
3.141. Comeback Kid

Team Blue and Orange (Margaret Charles):
3333. Gravtron
69. Sailor
333. Mr. Wright
3. Mark

Left Behind (unaffiliated):
99. Fred Nemo
>8<. Andy 9. Zach 44. Rev. Phil Team Fridge/Underdweller (unaffiliated):
8.75. Turbo-Badass
40 Million. Target
1.61. Auk Nik
.03. Midnight Rider
51. Sgt. Roadburn
(alternate: Will)

Dead Baby 13 (Dead Baby Bikes):
1268. Bill
86. Peter
64. Donato
55. Terry

Bonus Level (unaffiliated):
28. Andrea
117th. Drew
><. Geoff $20. Proton Aristocrates (unaffiliated):
1.61. Auk Nik
infinity. Laine
1984. Tony Biscuits
E. Catfish

Babes of the World (international all-stars):
32. Liz (Margaret Charles)
34. Stephanie (Seattle)
8. DB Steph (Dead Baby Bikes)
313. Carly (Dead Baby Bikes)

Team No Bikes (CHUNK 666):
X. Shanaynay
47. Rick
11. Rudy
777. Kathy

The 40oz. Lap
1st: Chunk NYC.
2nd: Last Minute Wonders.
3rd: Chunk Team Lucky.
4th: Dead Baby 13.
5th: MC3: Team B&O.

The Baby Rescue
Bonus Level defeats Left Behind, due to disqualification.
Team Cock and Balls defeats the Aristocrates.
MC3: Team BO defeats Chunk Team Lucky.
Wyld Stallyns defeats Low Dexterity.
Chunkathaletes defeats Babes of the World.
Mantastic versus Team Fridge/Underdweller. Tie.
Chunk NYC defeats Dead Babies.
Team No Bikes defeats Last Minute Wonders.
It Tastes Like Candy defeats Last Minute Wonders.

The Ghost Ride
Team Cock and Balls defeats Dead Babies;
Aristocrats defeats Bonus Level;
Crunkathaletes defeats Last Minute Wonders;
Babes of the World defeats Mantastic;
Chunk NYC defeats Team Fridge/Underdwellers;
Chunk Team Lucky defeats Wyld Stallyns;
Low Dexterity defeats Last Minute Wonders;
MC3: Team BO defeats Team No Bikes;
Left Behind defeats It Tastes Like Candy.

The Derby Royale
Round the First:

1, Collin, Last Minute Wonders;
2, Caroteen, Chunk Team Lucky;
3, Mark, Low Dexterity;
4, Mr. Wright, MC3:Team BO;
5, Ranger Rick, Wyld Stallyns.

Round the Second:

1, Zach, Crunkathaletes.

Round the Third:

1, Fred Nemo, Left Behind;
2, Crochet, Chunk NYC;
3, Mark, Low Dexterity;
4, Dead Babies.

Style Adjustments
Ninja -1 (stealing)
Ninety-Nine -1 (snitching)
Quigley +1 (flair, elan)

The Beer Run Time Trials
1, It Tastes Like Candy Bitch;
2, Crunkathaletes;
3, Mantastic;
4, Chunk Team Lucky;
5, Chunk NYC.

The Essay Contest
Krunkathaletes 15
Team Cock and Balls 15
Team Fridge/Underdweller 15
Chunk Team Lucky 14
It Tastes Like Candy 14
Mantastic 14
Chunk NYC 14
Bonus Level 13
Aristocrats 12
Low Dexterity 12
Wyld Stallyns 11
Last Minute Wonders 11
Dead Babies 11
Left Behind 11
Babes of the World 8

Chunk NYC 344
Crunkathaletes 339
Chunk Team Lucky 307
It Tastes Like Candy 295
Low Dexterity 288
Team Cock and Balls 285
Last Minute Wonders 277
Mantastic 257
Wyld Stallyns 257
MC3: Team B.O. 252
Left Behind 251
Team Fridge/Underdweller 240
Dead Babies 240
Bonus Level 223
Aristocrats 222
Babes of the World 218
Team No Bikes 210

Attendance Estimate: 750 +

Scorekeeper's Notes:

As can be expected with an event of this nature, careful scrutiny of the results will reveal a number of statistical and judgmental aberrations due to various factors, not the least of which include: a) loss of recorded information, b) human/observational error, c) rampant disregard of rules, regulations and authority by participants and their minions/fans; d) use and/or abuse of intoxicants, e) menacing of judges and scorekeepers by event participants and/or disgruntled fans, f) the constant and dangerous stream of projectiles, mineral and vegetable, traveling at various trajectories and velocities during the proceedings, g) hazardous seating conditions at and around the judges' scaffolding, nearly resulting in a deadly fall by one judge, h) the wanton display of certain male glandular protuberances by certain members of the event staff, i) courtesy beverages served at higher-than-ideal temperatures, j) the unceasing stream of obscenities directed at and returned by the judging and scorekeeping crew, k) that rat bastard that hit me square in the Stetson with a slab of festering pumpkin, l) that other rat bastard that hurled some ghastly beer-like swill at the judges and splashed my leg, even after I screamed repeatedly not to, m) repeated bawdy references to the male and female genitalia, adolescent innuendoes and ribaldry, fouls smells and foul sights. Etc. I digress.

A brief glance of the results transcribed from the (hopefully) beer-stained records for the "beer run" provides an example of the difficulties encountered:

Silken, ITLC 2:42
Spider-Man, Chunk NYC, 2:17
Sandstorm, Wyld Stallyns, 2:31
Ian, Team Cock and Balls, 2:21
Peter, Dead Babies, 3:57
Lt. Q, Chunk Team Lucky, 2:11
100th, Krunkathaletes, 1:31 (illegal bike?)
1.61, MC3: Team BO, 2:35
797, Last Minute Wonders, 2:37
666, ITLC, 2:22
2, ITLC, 2:09
33 1/3, Mantastic, 1:57
99. ITLC, 2:11

Only one team, the "It Tastes Like Candy" squad from Portland, was ambitious (or coherent) enough to field the four contestants necessary to score points. One contestant may have used a ringer bike. One did not complete his run and found himself in a local infirmary, connected to a morphine drip and sporting new nylon stitching on his thorax.

In another event, one participant ignited a smoke device and filled the air in the competition zone with thick, billowing clouds of orange fog. As a result, no meaningful result could be ascertained and judges were forced to decode a winner from the crowds shaking fists and gnashing teeth.
The irregularities are too numerous to mention. But I humbly offer these results as an earnest, if flawed attempt to document and record what has become perhaps the region's most feared gathering of malcontents, miscreants and degenerates, that annual Hobbesian spasm so dreaded by the townsfolk. The Chunkathalon is dead! Long live Chunkathalon!